well i put in an offer on a house today. i have been trying to buy one for years. the last couple of months have been an endless turmoil of hunting in one small community the size of a post it note because the school system is phenomenal and i cant afford private school. the house i am bidding on is NOT in this school district but its close enough that tuition of $500 a year will keep my boy there. i have been a basketcase sharing too many details and every little up and down and getting all wrapped up and involved in each and every house i considered. its been emotionally exhausting.
on top of that the surgery is looming ahead for Jan 2 and i am a bit aprehensive about the visual satisfaction and the body image issues i will suffer with for about a year following. i am more of an instant gratification kind of girl. and i love the boys that love the boobs, as shallow as that may be. i am excited though because my back pain has gotten worse over the years and i do not need a hump.
so with all my self induced drama, christmas has snuck up on me and here it is, and i am working it away. well im here, not so much working as showing up to earn my friday off.
im excited. my little man will have an alright christmas even with the economy issues and his mothers drastically slashed bonus check, this christmas will still be bright in his eyes.

yea I know. Im always bitchin. but what can i say? i have journalled for years, then cut it out when a particularly pesky boyfriend got nosy and i didnt want all my thoughts from my life read by him. but its very theraputic for me and i think faster than i can write so this is better. but i dont want my friends, collegues,etc to find me here like they can on facebook or myspace. i want to be anonymous in my bitching about life. is that too much to ask?

I have a busting sinus headache today. Or maybe a stress headache. I dont know why I get so worked up over these things. I have been house hunting and every tiny development wears me out. Plus the surgery is Jan 2 and I am just a basket case. Love life is in the toilet, work life is in the toilet. And I cant shake this damn headache. There has to be more to live than this.

 well i am just about ready to formally give up and get bitter. this month has been terrible and people never cease to disappoint me.

 Im totally depressed. I have been nicotene free for one week (cold turkey) but my nerves are shot! I am seriously depressed, mad at the world, and I pulled a Britney this weekend and cut my hair off entirely too short. While I am normally a short haired girl, and I know my bone structure looks best with shorter hair, this chick gave me the Suri and I look like an overweight lesbian soccer mom. I am very distraught and I am starting to think if cigarettes have this much control over my disposition, then I NEED ONE!

I, like Christy Brinkly, Uma Thurman, and Mary Parker, have been cheated on!!! I put myself in the group with these women to remind myself that men cheat and it doesnt matter how pretty you are, or how good you treat them. If they are going to do it, they are going to do it anyway. I was in an admittedly rocky relationship for the past seven years. For the past year, it has been an effort to continue and I felt we were both doing what we could to rebuild our relationship. We had trust issues. Three years ago he went on a drinking and drug binge and woke up with a bar maid. I tried to forgive him (after getting even) and move on. Well, loe and behold I find out not only is he still talking to the bar maid, he has been hanging out at her bar at least three days a week for the past couple months. He lied and told me he hadnt. He lied and told me that she wasnt hitting on him when he did eat there. He lied and told me she hasnt propositioned him or invited him anyway. 
I got in his cell phone and found out differently. Guys, if you are too stupid to hit delete, then you deserve to be caught. Lucky I didnt waste any more time listening to the lies. Seven years with someone like that is plenty. I really believed he was a good person. 
Just goes to show, you never really know anyone.

My back is killing me! I have been fighting with an acute muscle strain for over a week. Ive been doing the heat and ice switch. Ive been laying off the tennis. It won't stop! The burning pain that starts at my "hump" has now moved down to the center of my back. I am convinced I need breast reduction surgery to relieve the pain in my back, because the only thing that helps is physical therapy. I need to quit smoking for the surgery. I need to save up my co-pay. And I need to find a doc that understands being the "big boobed" girl has been part of my identity for so long, I am having a hard time giving it up! 
But I have to do it.. I just have to. Im too young to be suffering like this! 
And the state of our health care system is so sad, elective surgery is about the only thing you can get in to see a doctor for... !  

man my head is throbbing and it hurts. this is too much to handle. work is overwhelming and getting to be too much. why did i ever go into this field? i ask myself every day.  its not what i expected, the pay sucks for the work, and the pressure is immence. with the medical issues in my family, the instability of the economy and the ever present anxiety about my future is mounting to a full blown axiety melt down. i want a career change, a new outlook, a new diagnois, and a better attitude about what i do have. 
but right now i cant get past this blinding headache. i probably need to eat something.

i hate doctors. i hate our health care in this country. a person is now responsible for all their own tests and care, because the doctors dont have time. a loved one has been suffering with an unknown condition since january. she has lost tons of weight, and passed out in the floor. at first diagnosed with an infection and treated with antibiotics, a month later the symptoms were the same. they told her it was adhesions and they just needed to be burned off. there were no adhesions. back the doctor. now time for scans and MRIs and colonoscopies and endoscopies but nothing found. o well, go home and call us in 3 months if you dont feel any better. essentially, we dont know, and we are tired of looking. so my loved one, being from a medical backgorund, made her own appts to speciailists and demanded to be treated. now, weeks later there is some spots of cancer on her lungs that has spread from somewhere else. the somewhere else? still unknown.  
what would have happened if she had went home to get sicker for another 3 months as her doctor suggested? i guess we all need to go to med school if we want quality treatment in our medical centers. 
take the insurance companies out of our health care. i blame them for the indifference of doctors and the apathetic attitude of the entire medical profession. im amazed this can happen. 
it scares me.

Ive been quite discontented lately. Work is not going so well. Home is not going so well. Nothing is going so well at the moment. I ponder, I wander, I question and sigh. But the feeling of disillusionment and disappointment is still here. Is this a mid life crisis at 30? an epiphany at the end of a long tumultuous road? or just the cullmination of all the buried and numbed out emotions that have been simmering under the surface for so long? I dont know but its a weird time in my life. Im not sure where I want to be, but Im sure this is not it.